All I've ever wished for is the liberty to completely be myself. To be vulnerable, bold, flawed, creative, multifaceted. To experience things and feel diverse emotions without the consciousness of being judged. This completeness that comes from doing the things you love, making mistakes, knowing you're at peace with yourself - is what I have always craved since I was old enough to truly want anything. I never took interest in subjects like physics, politics, the stock market or other mundane topics most people favoured. Instead I found myself deep in thoughts and in worn pages of books and comics, musing about things I'm very certain no one ever thinks of, unburdened by the plagues of societal obligations.
The perils of my overactive imagination which started off as silent musings and daydreams turned to conversations which made me think I was insane, then gradually, flowed into words on paper. I remember talking to myself all the time while doing chores, going to school, in the bathroom etc. My mother found this odd and would counsel me about it. Saying that only possessed people spoke and kept to themselves. I hated loud places or people that deprived me of moments to fantasize and was mostly mute unless of course, around familiar people. What I couldn't make up in conversational skills, I made up for in my imagination. Déjà vu was my constant companion and I was always eager to tell anyone that cared to listen, the things I imagined.
From a tender age it's been drilled into my head that I needed to make something of myself. Most importantly, a name. So much so that I feel lacking in myself when it appears I failed to meet certain goals or standards. I struggled and forcibly aspired to be like the people I was compared to and this left a gnawing emptiness within me. Because I never turned out like them, I loathed them with every fibre of my being. While some of them are today the embodiment of success or affluence and receive nothing short of praises and admirations from the world, it doesn't elude me that others are dead, defeated in life or slumbering in squalor.
Just like the first time I wrote something and knew from my heart this was my destiny, so do I know with absolute conviction that doing numbers in a bank or convincing people in a boardroom is not my thing. It makes me wish I was rebellious enough to not bend to the wills of parents, friends and society. For a very long time while others were figuring out their lives, I was at a disadvantage. The colours, lines and patterns blurred and I couldn't see straight. Then I realised after I read a book by Joyce Meyer that I was living a hundred or more lives, that I forgot entirely who I was to begin with. It's always been about surviving. Not living. Aspiring to set goals, getting degrees, having enormous titles, being accepted in society, but never truly about living.
Sometimes it's difficult to breathe with all the panicky feelings I get from thinking that the world is moving and I'm stuck right in the centre as it orbits. I don't want to be unfulfilled or unproductive in life : apparently these two things loosely translate to not having wealth, positions and titles. When in the real sense what I mean is that I don't want to feel condemned for not choosing the paths others want me to. I want to look at my crafts and marvel at the beauty of them. I want to give back to the world as much as I'm taking. I want this restless energy rolling off me in waves to die down. Because I don't want to prove anything nor have to compare myself or achievements to anyone. I simply want to live and be loved.
Thousands of people are walking around with imprints of words from comparisons in their minds, forced career paths, condescension for little or no achievements and failing to really know who they are or what they want. No one likes to be poor or unproductive. We all have something special to offer no matter how small or insignificant it appears to others. John Bunyan said that you have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.
You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you. ~ John Bunyan
Be kind to people and let them live the lives they've chosen for themselves. Encourage them in their moments of despair to find themselves worthy. It's not a written rule that everyone should follow or lead a certain life, we should learn to diversify. Aspire to be something or be like someone only on your own terms and not because you're pressured into doing so. Be creative and do what brings you peace.
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